i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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