sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Randomize
