you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
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