Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
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