Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
