I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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