I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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