Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
