My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Randomize
