I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
