The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
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