dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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