piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
