I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
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