dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
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