So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Randomize
