one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Randomize
