I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Randomize
