I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Did I show you my penis last night?
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Randomize
