it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
