I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
