remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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