You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
