just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
