sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
