Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
