He passed out mid-signature
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
