Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Your cock deserves a montage
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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