Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
wanna go halves on a baby?
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Randomize
