i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
