Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Come share oat with me in your robe
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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