if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
