I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Randomize
