I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
