id be glad to
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
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