also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Fuck appropriateness.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
