3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
you didnt know i had herpes?
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Randomize
