When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Randomize
