nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Randomize
