There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I will pee on everything he values.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
