oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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