Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
third nipple confirmed
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
