I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
PANTIES FOUND
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