um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
My life is pants optional.
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