I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
