i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Randomize
