i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
