He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
