I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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