i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
