i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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