the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
How does one acquire holy water?
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
