i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
