Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
His nipple licking is glorious
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