Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
it glows. i had to have it.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
