Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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