Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
